AFRAID OF?

Why are we afraid to acknowledge who we are?

Why are we afraid to reach the depths of our own silence?

Why are we afraid to let ourselves feel what it is to be happy?

Why are we afraid to own something?

Why are we afraid to let people love us?

Why are we afraid to bear the burden of someone's trust?

Why are we afraid to e found?

Lost in thoughts,

Lost in chaos,

Lost in crowd,

Still all alone, all along..!!

RETROSPECTING

I nearly reached the climax of one phase of my life. I am about to shed the image of a gawky teenager and wear the image of a dame. I already let my collection of long earrings, of different shapes, sizes and colors that I neatly arrange in my jewelry boxes, to settle in some inaccessible place of my wardrobe. Chick dresses in my wardrobe go down the heap. In a couple of months I will be graduating out of my college.

This particular book, ‘cloud nine minus one’, that I just read somehow made me want to retrospect into my journey so far. I just reflect upon the episodes that have taken place in the transformation of a chubby and naïve schoolgirl to a not so chubby and not so naïve about to graduate woman.

Under the aegis of my school, little did I know about the expanse of the world around and the potpourri of emotions that are to be unraveled. From being a star kid at school to groping for identity at college, life throws all of it at you. I just can’t stop marveling at the volume of lore one is subjected to take in from schooling to graduation. It feels like living a hundred lives in such a short span. (Life takes a snail’s speed after college and after one can start predicting tomorrow with greater percentage of accuracy.) It is because may be we are still entitled to dream, wish and work for them to come true. I remember telling my friends way back in 12’Th grade, after reading five point some one, that we must write out story too. Though we didn’t have much fodder for the book back then, but it could have surely been high on emotions if written. It was again during my engineering that I wanted to write a book again. This one surely has fodder and with a little fiction to it and good writing, it has the potential of becoming a bestseller if written and a major box office hit if filmed.

Every one coming out of college have their own story to tell. I have my own too, filled many adventures and a few misadventures. I had my share of pie with all the necessary ingredients that makes it so special. The laughter, the silent wink, those notes passed, jealousy of sharing a friend, keeping some ones secret with you and yours with the other, tears of joy and pain, lending a ear to the rumors, fear, anxiety and hope. All these and many more that makes the pie what it is.

After completing my last read I have this ‘Eureka’ expression on my face, for I finally figure out why I come across so many books based on campus experiences. This is the time when childhood makes its way to adolescence, and adolescence to adulthood which is way more than a rollercoaster ride. So it is actually not a wonder to see so many, and many well received scripts dwelling on this subject exist. Thanks to all those adept people with pen to go with the urge to narrate their story, and less adept like me still discuss this prospect with friends.

The curtains are going to come down on this act of the play. The curtains will raise gain, and a new one will begin. I don’t know how it is going to shape up nor the line of story that will unfold, but there is one thing for certain. When the next act begins I will be an experienced actor. Though I have not mastered the skill, I can still claim to be a tad bit more knowledgeable that I was yesterday. There are lessons learnt and bruises still bearing the scar, but I know I have those special people ‘FRIENDS’ in my life who I can always count on. It is my school pals who inspire me to take on life and rack up something so that I can celebrate that joy with them, and there is family who always welcome us back open arms despite all our follies. So this is just a crescendo and I am looking forward to tomorrow with new found sagacity. Here I am in love with life yet again.

SOCIAL NETWORK

It was social network and Harsha who inspired me to pen down this post.

While i was riding back home after watching 'social network' , I was struck with this particular idea. Isn't it women who run the world? Oh no, I am not indicating at the likes of Sonia Gandhi, Queen Elizabeth so on and so forth. Its just that in this particular movie, the founder of facebook could not take rejection from a girl and BANG, that laid the cornerstone of facebook. The claim to fame by the geek was that he could get 22,000 clicks to his page within just a night. People were thronging in because it was to do with girls again. The biggest trump card for the site to gain popularity was the relationship status. Again to do with girls, Oh unless if the guy is gay.

Leaving facebook behind for sometime, and talking about a more primeval social networking site 'Orkut'. I used to get forward mails of how Orkut was found by a cupid stuck guy trying to reunite with his lost girlfriend through social networking. I still don't know how true that story is , but the point is , it was again a girl! There might be a great contrast of emotions behind both the founders, but they had a common impetus 'GIRLS'.

Social networking is fun. It presents a whole new virtual world before us and leads us through alleys we have never been before in the real world. In here, even the non existent, timid and docile species have made a place for themselves. I find it inscrutable as to how an undemonstrative, reserved, inhibited introvert in my class turns out to be so effusive, outgoing and gushy on social network. I see them posting pictures with shades on, sporting denims or on a bike all trying to look hip and happening. The other guys who in fact are groovy and swell in the real world keep up the same signature even on the social networking sites too. They just try to satiate their ego online and try claiming the crown of 'The stud sovereign' without making their attempts look evident. This snowballs his popularity and his name goes round in girl talks and there he gets himself a 'hard to get girl' throwing herself at him.

Half the men in social networking are there just to get laid. They are there to paint their fantasies with a female face. Apart from its true purpose 'social networking' , its more of a fishing expedition for guys. The MBAs could learn a lesson from the guys here of how to market oneself and take cues about advertising and roping in people. So as I say, its all about GIRLS in capitals, italic and bold.

Since I am underscoring the importance of girls so much on social networking, let me also throw light on what the angelic species think of it themselves. For the girls, apart from its true use social networking, it serves as a yard stick to measure how illustrious or so to say pretty they are. It just helps them keep a count of how many admirers they have got. We have yet another genre of females just as thick as their counterparts, but I would not enunciate that part here. It can be done in a later post. This space is reserved to glorify GIRLS. (sorry boys!! ;-))

The purport and the point that I am driving at is that without girls, social networking would just become a subject that Ross Gallar the paleontologist would be interested to study.

Oh yeas, If you are wondering why I took Harsha's name at the beginning of the post, it was only to pull his leg and to educate him on the dynamics of social networking. Kid grow up! Oops, sorry proff Lupin.

This post is not intended to take a dig at the guys. I just intend to pen it in a good spirit, and for the record I was posting on orkut as well as facebook while blogging this one. So i'll end it with HAIL social networking..!! :)

MY 1'ST VOTE AND THE TERM THAT IS...

I tarried a little before I pressed the blue button. I moved ahead and pressed the blue button again on another machine. This time I thrust my thumb against the button for a little long and confident until the beep sound registered loud and clear, ringing in my ears and echoed in the room. I walked out of the room with glint in my eyes and a cognitive content to my heart and mind. I held my index finger of my left hand in pride to exhibit my nail that has been dotted black. Yes I’ve cast my first vote not waiting more than a year after I’ve come to age. At 19 years I stood a chance to participate in India’s 15’Th lok sabha elections. I made a choice over the governance of my state and my country for the next five years.

It’s been four months since the world’s largest democracy gyrated to enunciate the verdict of people. The black dot on my nail is on the verge of getting erased, and the curtain has been long drawn on the people making a prophecy about the democratic crown prince of India, and the winkles of television channels blaring with breaking news reporting the election circus. The jocular exploits of accusations and self appointed crusaders of humanity have all ebbed, when the elections marquee has been folded in and the election commission has decided to heave a sigh of relief.

The Indian National congress swept the floor of the parliament with a clear majority, and Dr Manmohan Singh was placed on the mantel as prime minister under the flagship of UPA government. Congress harked back to its lost sheen of yesteryears, and emerged as a government ,without having to take coalition tailspins. Thanks to the ‘aam admi’ ,and pro poor mandate of congress, it has galvanized itself to victory.

President Prathibha Patil has vocalized some path breaking measures that the government would do in the first 100 years of power, which was quite commendable, and would be really appreciated if things are set into motion, and emerge out of the papers. Global meltdown and recession asks for special focus on the economic policies of the country. The budget this year comes with more than 6% fiscal deficit, against the figures that register around 3% last year. Inclusive growth is talked about much in the budget, but the high fiscal deficit remains as a great concern. The flawed food security plan proposed is inadequate, and addresses only a pinch of population with limited utilities. The much talked about women’s bill was mooted in the parliament, and looks like it needs to take in some more rounds of battering on the anvil before a stance is taken on it. The sophian carnage in J&K has had the country to look up north, and people are waiting to see how the government does to mollify the ire of people there whose reaction to the incident has been rampant. The education bill which proclaims to bring every child under the umbrella of its services has been passed in the parliament, and all eyes are glued to witness how it materializes. The H1N1 virus moored on the Indian shores, and the pandemic has engulfed a sizable number in its clouds, and taken a toll of a 14 year old Pune girl’s life. The government is showing little gesticulations to handle the outbreak of the pandemic, though some measures have been employed. An eliciting proposal by the government to abolish the capital punishment has got mixed responses from people and concern is expressed from those who think that terrorists deserve no pardon.

Apart from the recession and budget, India’s foreign policy is the subject that is doing rounds in the noetic circles. The prime minister faces criticism of becoming liquescent in dealing with Pakistan. The phrase, “trust but verify” that Dr Manmohan Singh has popularized is not what most of the Indians think, is the veracious approach towards Pakistan, which is showing trivial effort in working towards deserving trust from India. The mammoth amount of money spent on purchasing used aircraft carriers from Russia is nothing but white elephant for India. The nuclear commitments of India with the US jeopardized our entire nuclear mission. The government failed to realize the ostensible intentions of the US to curb India’s growth, and walked into its obliterated clauses. India should wake up at least before it falls into the US radar before it commits itself to the end use monitoring (EUM) that was put forth by Hillary Clinton in her visit to India. The government should observe caution so as not to tangle the relations with Iran. We have to stick to out Non alignment vantage point without getting succumbed to the whims of US, and come forth in playing a responsible and significant role in the world policies. We have to realize, that we are sufficient enough to demand for our rightful bread, rather than live on crumbs thrown at us by the developed countries. The Copenhagen summit on climatic change is a platform where India could make its voice heard and nominate itself to a responsible persona on the stage of world politics.

ALLEGED

The ghosts were swirling and swooping around the air. Each one of them transducing through opaque structures stretching into the heavens. The smoldering figures annulled the laws of buoyancy and meteored down shreaking and griping that reverberated in her veins. They were the ghosts memories hovering above her. She dashed out of the edifice leaving tumult of people's accusations behind her. The upheaval didn't seem to have receded. she tractioned the animosity in the room, vaulting it in her heart, into the open. She was among strangers on the road and the alienating faces pervaded her throughout the alley not showing any acknowledgment to the hurricane raging in her. The only familiarity of her condition is with the ghosts, the ghosts of memory that are appending to the misery. The irony is that even in the presence of her folk, the pupils of the class with whome she associated herself with, she was left stigmatized with the torpedoes of questions shot at her. She was left to take the hammering on the anvil. Even as she moved away from the eye of the storm, the winds seem to have closed on her where ever she went. will the ghosts ever rest in peace for the perjury she has committed before her amigos? Will she come out unscratched from the aftermath of the whirlpool of emotions she is subjected to?

EPILOGUE:
So far I've written things that I personally felt. This is one of the 1'st attempts I made, to give the feelings of my fellomates condition, as i see it, into a tangible form. It is not intended to offend anyone though my classmates would thoroughly understand what am trying to personify [;)]. Friends we gotta let go old things and stay at bay from certain things and move on i guess.

THE HEART OF THE LADY I KNOW

The melodies of ‘Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge’, the description in Keats’s poems, the chilly pleasant evenings, the scenic beauty of the nature, the starry sky with the mood studded in the black canopy makes me feel lonely. Lonely even amidst a crowd. It draws me deep, to look at myself, into my soul.

Then I realize am only a half of the wing yang and that am not complete without my other half. But where is my other half? Have all the men in the world become extinct? Is there no one who could get me interested in himself? Then I ponder on what would be that ‘alma matter’ which would make me want to spend the rest of my life with ‘THE ONE’ and the only one.

The stunts of Bruce Willis, Orlando’s smile, hrithik’s charm and siddharth’s cuteness made me exclaim WOW! But I never wanted to be a rose in their hand. The average sex ratio around my area is around 965/1000. That means am at an advantage to choose from a lot and there is no dearth of hunks, cute faces, good brains, attitude wits and humor. But if u ask me why on earth am I still single? That’s because I ‘vent found the right combo of ingredients that am looking for. I didn’t find the efforts made by the man to win his mistress (that’s me [;)]) worth a nod.

Well being a lady is not a bed of roses. She wears the tiara of pride and dignity. To utter the word “YES” is a herculean task for her. May be deep down in the heart she does admire him, but she restrains herself to receive his love. That surely doesn’t mean she is not interested. It only means that the effort required to win her hand is inadequate. She might even feel apprehensive to trust him, or might be unable to decipher her own feelings for the guy.

This is actually the right time to win the lady. Impregnate faith in her that she means world to you and that she is the perfect better half you always wanted. Put in the effort and make her feel protected giving her a glimpse of how safe she is going to be with you for the rest of her life. A back off at this juncture will only leave sour memories and negative shades about the guy as a playboy when she see’s him in some one else’s company.

If the girl thinks she needs time, give her space and allow her to resolve her issues and fulfill her own obligations to accept the guy in her life. During such times give her assurance that you can wait for a lifetime to hold her hand. Then she would surely seal a promise of a lifetime with her beau.

But guys mind you, if she treats you like scum and your thought doesn’t even cross her mind to hate you, read the signs and back off. The guy can never be anything to the girl. This is how I feel too.

Well customizing the whole theory of what a girl wants, I want to make it more specific of what I am seeking. I would fall for some one with a ‘guy next door’ image, tall and strong enough to lift me in his arms. Some one who can understand my expression in Hindi, English and Telugu. Whose soul ,is sensitive to stimulate to the spiritual fervor and keep religion at a bay, would compliment my soul. In whose company my cheeks always bear a dimple and turn red on blushing would be my guy. Some one who can make me feel dainty delicate before him would be my man. In whose company I feel defenseless and the one who can paint my fortress of pride with the colors of love earns the key to come and live in it. The prince, with the heart of a lion who is ready to cross all the impediments with courage and swim across the current under any circumstances, who sits on his knee with a sonnet on his lips and rose in his hand will win the hand of the princess.

DISCLAIMER: hey guys dont scold me 4 i've included loads of things dat wud hurt ur ego i suppose but yeh generally girls do expect all this. for all the girls who liked it thank you. n those who didnt go n read sum john grey's relation ship books...[:P]

I AM 18

I just wanted pen down a few revelations I discovered in the wake of turning 18. (Well am writing this nearly 6 months after I turned 18.) It’s a whole new world for me, but it hasn’t really changed much for our pot bellied politicians, how does it matter to them if a fresh bunch of vigorous Indians hit the floor to take over the future of India, nor did it matter much to my college lecturers, except for a bunch of fresh faces sweeping in and out the corridors of the department. Well the point here is it matters to me that I turned 18, even if it does not register as an event to the rest of the world, and that now am legally entitled a citizen of India and bestowed on me the freedom, it definitely is a hell lot of a big deal to me. The time I ferried across so far in my 18 years or in the 18’th year in specific has taught me a few new things, that my mom missed out for me to experiment and learn myself and it has eluded certain preconceived notions out of me, leaving me facing a new horizon and hopes of distinct voyages.

If you are wondering what’s in this bandwagon that’s blaring a lot? Then I would say nothing more than the silly teenage quip that’s doing rounds with most of the urban youth but this one is with a personalized and customized touch. I would rather call it my confession or my short biography of triumphs and failures. (If you are wondering why on Earth you are reading a biography of SOME teenager blabbering her private affair public! I would say that you are reading the human mind, and it is surely worth exploring be it any ones for that matter.)

A couple of months before turning 18, I joined an engineering college. (Definitely not THE KIND I dreamed of going to, nevertheless it isn’t that bad after all, only if I turn a blind eye to the conservative ways prevailing in the place.) It was set in a completely different backdrop. I was strictly warned by my mother that my every move would be monitored by my prying relatives or for that matter the rumor mongers in the college who have nothing better do to than to bother other people. Little did I know how true she was and with in no time I found ample of eyes hounding me in every direction. Probably my denial of doctrine made by male chauvinistic society led me to be in the spotlight, and my every step was mocked at. (Oh please am not a sissy and neither am I brooding over the unwanted attention I am getting, however annoying it is.) I realized that they are framed in a fixed mould and despise anyone made of different craftsmanship. (I wonder how reliable those surveys are which claim the globalizing attitude of Indian youth who are ready for a change!) My bubble of a ‘wanna be’ kind of society burst and I had to bend my head and mute my voice many at times to be in the flock. It was the first time that I had to live away from my parents in a hostel. It is probably my first leap out of my safe and well protected cocoon with my parents. This surely has taught me quite a few things, the pros and cons of living on your own. (I hate to fold my clothes, yet am a little glad that I don’t have to hear mom screaming at me for my prolonged conversations over the phone.) Just as my 18’th birthday was round the corners I was swarmed by a group of people whom I could call my friends in the college.( I wasn’t really sure for how long my crowned friends were going to stick together, that is until no new controversy propped up between us or at least until we were not found bitching about each other behind the back and least of all until we didn’t see each other as a potential threat to our own career and popularity- oh common guys face it that’s how it works these days. ’yeh dosti hum nahi chodenge’ kind of species have become extinct.) Thanks to these people who have so to say helped me trim myself to fit the suit tailored by the college folks. (I meant taming myself to the ways of the college.) As the old saying goes ‘compromise won’t last long’, I couldn’t hide my farce of being this submissive lass for a long time. At times I exploded with fits of anger at my fellow mates and ended up using the taboo ‘roadies tongue’ (well the folks featured in roadies are considered to be the ‘stay away from my kid’ kinds for most of the parents.) After coming out of school I realized that the India that’s been blown in the media and the youth that’s been featured in MTV actually don’t make the bulk of India. The true color of India is what I’ve seen in my college where people recoil to an outspoken woman voicing her views without any inhibitions. So it was again another alarm bell for me to keep my language and the content of my speech in check, not to give my grandmother or my aunt a heart attack at least.(bless me, my mom understands me in this matter and I’ve no qualms with her.)

Folks i think i'll end the post here...not because am running out of words...but running out of space...there is so much that i wana spill here...so taking Chetan Bhagat , Tushar Raheja n the likes as my inspiration i wana pen down the journey of my engineering life into a book too....so readers if u really find it interesting keep waiting for the next installment...and for those of you who r happy that it's over here go home and watch ekta kapoor's daily soaps...[:P]